So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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