All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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