Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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