There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Houston, we have a blender
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Randomize
