I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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