Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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