No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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