My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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