Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
