Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
