He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
