thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
