Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
