Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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