thus making me awesome and them whores
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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