I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
