fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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