go do what you do best...puke behind churches
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
