take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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