i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
