I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize