taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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