Don't you send me to vm
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I will pee on everything he values.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
