I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
