You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
