Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize