I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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