"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
