i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
