No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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