Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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