i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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