the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
