I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
