If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
