i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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