I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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