What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
