I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Drunk is not a location!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
