There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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