I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Randomize