if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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