Betty ford says i'm here all night
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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