how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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