time to smoke my breakfast
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
