I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Holy shit dude........stairs
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
