I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
