how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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