Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
