Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
