There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
