People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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