I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
