what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
