I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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