Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
