You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
