you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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