Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
