Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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