I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
